Here at Happy Simple Living, we are not afraid to flush out the big, pressing issues that face our nation. Which is why we have bravely plunged into the issue of mega toilet paper rolls.
Most major t.p. manufacturers now sell Colossus Mega-Jumbo Magnum rolls containing 4 TIMES!! the sheets of a regular roll. (As we all know, today’s ‘regular roll’ contains approximately 14 squares.)
Is this claim true? Do we consumers really want these fatter rolls — even though they no longer fit in the holders?
My friends, you are an intelligent bunch. When you see those packages, do you feel happy because you’re getting an even greater value in your toilet paper purchases?
Or do you feel cranky because you’re paying more bucks for fewer squares?
Sometimes I wonder if toilet paper manufacturers think our brains are full of ultra soft cotton.
This is definitely a #FirstWorldProblem, but these Hercules-sized rolls do not fit in any of our holders. Furthermore, our neighborhood grocery store has stopped selling normal rolls, and now sells only Mega-Colossus-Jumbo-Big Ole’ Honkin’-Magnum rolls.
Guaranteed To Fit
I recently purchased several packages of Quilted Northern Ultra Soft & Strong, as the company’s wood and fiber sourcing practices are certified by the Sustainable Forestry Initiative.
Sustainability was part of my decision, but the other reason was this compelling promise printed on the package:
“Guaranteed to fit your roll holder or your money back.”
Bolstered with confidence, I bought the package and breathlessly ran upstairs to install a roll. The funny thing is that there is at least an inch of space on either side of the roll, but I had to use a shoehorn to get the roll in the holder.
Once in, it would not turn. For obvious reasons, this presents a problem. As you can see, the top of the roll is wedged in the holder:
In the interest of getting a handle on this issue, I decided to take advantage of the company’s money-back guarantee.
When I visited the site, however, I was disappointed to see not an offer for cash back, but an offer for a free “Roll Extender.”
The value of the free roll extender was “$2 – $3” according to the site.
(Side note: Is it me, or does this whole Mega Roll Extender thing sound just a little naughty?)
Clearly, if I wanted to actually use my new Quilted Northern toilet paper, I would have to get their gadget. The instructions required me to write “the reason you would like a roll extender” on a piece of paper.
This is an excellent question from the Quilted Northern Quality Control team. Because, what could possibly be the reason?why a person would need an extender?
Could it be that the #%$?@&! Colossus Jumbo Mega Grande Magnum toilet paper roll doesn’t fit in the holder??
<<deep breath, deep cleansing breath, inhale peace, exhale stress, serenity now!>>
Anyhow, I dutifully assembled my proof of purchase, receipt, and required explanatory letter, and sent it off.
Then the waiting began. Nine weeks passed, with no sign of my Roll Extender. Every time I ran to the mailbox and came up empty-handed, I felt like Ralphie from The Christmas Story waiting for his Ovaltine decoder ring to arrive.
After so many disappointing daily trips to the mailbox, I wondered if the Quilted Northern people had forgotten about me and my Roll Extender.
Looking for Answers
Sometimes big brands’ social media managers seem to reply more quickly to customer service requests, so I decided to reach out and touch someone via the Quilted Northern Facebook page.
Before I sent my message, I officially “Liked” the page. The header photo features an enviable prototype toilet paper holder (probably invented by Elon Musk) that perfectly fits the Quilted Northern mega roll. Jealous!!
The moment I clicked the “Like” button, Facebook helpfully alerted all of my friends and family members about my new passion.
Feeling heady, I sent off my inquiry. Sure enough, the social media manager responded quickly. (It pays to be the Facebook fan of a t.p. company.) The note read: “Hi Eliza, thanks for contacting us. Let us reach some of our internal teams and see what we can do. We will get back to you soon!”
Woah. Not only was I getting personal service, but the INTERNAL TEAMS of Quilted Northern were getting involved. Talk about having friends in lofty places!
A few days later, the package I had been awaiting for ten weeks finally arrived with a nice letter and my very own $2-$3 value Roll Extender.
I could hardly wait to try it!
I won’t keep you in suspense any longer. The Roll Extender worked.
We could now actually turn the Mega Toilet Paper roll, thus providing that all-important access to the tissue.
The only downside? The Roll Extender is white plastic, which doesn’t match the chrome holder, and it has the Quilted Northern logo printed in the “gap” area.
With a roll in place, you see the letters “TED” and “ERN.” Whenever I see his name, I like to imagine that Ted Ern is the kindly inventor of the Roll Extender.
So the extender works, but it’s unattractive. Do we choose aesthetics or utility, my friends? This is a conundrum that has plagued mankind through the ages, from the design of stone tools and wooden teeth to Quonset huts and men’s sandals.
Miracles Do Happen
UPDATE: You’ll never guess what happened. After I wrote this post, I was contacted by the Canadian company Teravan.
Teravan manufactures an extender that’s actually attractive! You can probably imagine the swirl of excitement I felt when they offered to let me try their products. (Move over, Khloe Kardashian! There’s a new “influencer” in town.)
Teravan’s white and chrome extenders have a decidedly designer feel:
The best part of all? After installing one of Teravan’s snazzy adjustable toilet paper roll adapters, the roll actually turns! One can actually access the paper!
This is clearly a revolution — or should I say a turning point? — in modern TP history.
How About You?
Do you love or loathe this new trend? Do you long for the good old days of Double Rolls? Or do the Mega Honkin’ Extra-Grande Texas Sized Big Ole’ Boy toilet tissue rolls fit just fine in your holders?
How long will it be before a rogue manufacturer offers a roll with 5 times the sheets of a regular roll?
Also: Do you think that perhaps I need to take up a new hobby?
I’d love to hear from you, and together we’ll get to the bottom of this important tissue issue.
Your devoted TP Access Advocate,
P.S. Thanks to Miles Goodhew for being a good sport and letting us use his photo, which was taken on the day his regular glasses were being repaired, as a stand-in for Ted Ern.
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Eliza Cross is the creator of Happy Simple Living, where she shares ideas to help busy people simplify cooking, gardening, holidays, home, and money. She is also the award-winning author of 17 cookbooks, including Small Bites and 101 Things To Do With Bacon.
I am simply delighted that IT’S NOT JUST ME!!! I loathe the new size and REFUSE to pay $10 for an extended that though not white plastic, still tries to “steal the show”. I just want my “double roll” back! Is that too much to ask?!!
It’s currently 2am in the year 2021. A commercial advertising a 6x size roll came on. That led me down an insomnia fueled rabbit hole that landed here. I can’t believe we *still* haven’t been able to convince TP makers that this Extra Grande Jumbo Mega sized nonsense is just that, nonsense. Give us back the double roll!
Hilarious!!! Just what I needed after reading the New York Times articles today, Jan. 9, 2021. Like many of the others who have responded to your blog we have an 85 year old house with a built in holder (ceramic with a wooden rod). Small bathroom, extender probably wouldn’t attach and if it did roll of paper would be on your thighs as you sit on the throne. Found tp on Amazon that fits but it is thin and you have to use an extraordinary amount – not good. Aldi also has smaller rolls but not so hot quality wise. What to do, what to do??? The really BIG news is that Charmin is now offering the FOREVER roll complete with a special stand to hold it. The roll weights 2 pounds and hopefully won’t tip over and break your foot. Ugly, oh yeah. No, this is not the answer folks. Bigger is not better. We may have to move. Stay well!
This blog post had me busting a gut with laughter. I haven’t laughed this much all week–thank you! For the record, I hate the mega rolls as well.
The Super Mega Rolls would fit if the cardboard core was reduced to bearly larger than your holder core. It would be a very easy solution.
OMG I thought I was the only crazy one out there looking for double rolls of TP! Just moved into a 5 yr old home and have small ceramic TP holders. REALLY? I have tried the extenders to no avail. Searched high and low and today ran into this blog. LOL! I feel much better now that I’m not alone. Can’t wait to tell the hubby it’s NOT JUST ME!!!! Thanks for the smiles!
If your Ceramic TP holders have the square front, these extenders might work for you.
https://www.etsy.com/listing/1257717284
Can’t stand them. Try to find double rolls all over the place, with not much success. My toilet paper storage tins that hold 3 rolls and match my trash cans and faucets will not hold the mega rolls. If you get them to squeeze in, they are super hard to get out. Please bring back the double rolls!
I landed on your post because I am remodeling a bathroom and I want to buy a toilet paper holder that will HOLD these jumbo rolls! There’s no way to tell if it will! I greatly enjoyed your post. It brought me lots of smiles!
I have had TP dilemmas for some time now, and I decided to act a few years ago.
I live in a downtown metro, in a 1950 1-bedroom. I hardly have the space for one 4-pack of regular TP, no less a 6-pack of mega rolls. Years before, I bought a TP stand to put the spare rolls on because I needed the space opened up in my bathroom storage, but bought the one with no dispenser because I find the idea of tugging at TP from a randomly placed TP tower to be unseemly. Anyway, I really dislike mega rolls because I was perfectly happy with the Cottonelle regular size rolls in the 4-pack, but for some reason, all the downtown stores had caught the mega-roll bug so I’m often screwed unless I want to buy a stupid 12-pack.
About 2 years ago, I decided that my dependence on big TP needed to cease. I ordered myself a $30 bidet on Amazon, and while it’s a little ugly, I haven’t thought once of looking back.
It’s embarrassing to admit, but for a person who considered himself one to keep a tidy posterior, I now recognize that no TP really gets you clean. I was dismayed at my 30+ years of lacking cleanliness, but looked forward to a life of ultimate clean.
I still use a little TP to dry up, but during recent events, I felt like a king among peasants. As the masses stormed TP proprietors, I had bought my bi-yearly 6-pack the previous November and equipped with my depression-era grandmother’s wisdom of TP rationing, I lasted through the pandemic with rolls to spare (no joke — my grandma would give us four squares of gratingly tough TP as kids, only when we were going number two)!
JOIN THE REVOLUTION! VIVA LA BIDET!
Eliza, you bring tears to my eyes
Now that most of the tp companies are pushing the Mega roll marketing scam, I wish one of them would listen to us. Imagine if one of the companies came out with a wider 2 ply standard diameter and packaged it with big letters GUARANTEED TO FIT YOUR HOLDER. I’l bet the Megas would stay on the shelf.
I had luck getting double rolls at Home Depot for a long time when I couldn’t find them elsewhere, but then last fall i saw a stack of them on an endcap marked “clearance”. I panicked and bought 8 30-packs. Still had 2 left when the COVID shortage hit. Guess this mega roll issue had some value.
I want a free or low price roll extender, many used to sell them cheap or even free and now there is only one choice online and they get really bad reviews. Why can’t Bed Bath and Beyond design a nice wall mounted toilet paper holder that can hold these Jumbo for bumhole paper mountain of a roll. Charmin, Cottonelle, and others use to offer them for free or cheap but not anymore. Those work and I’m willing to pay for them, why don’t they supply them???
This post is hilarious. That’s all!
I am wondering if anyone feels the same way with the great toilet paper shortage of 2020? Personally I put the rolls on the top of the toilet and use it until it fit in the holder and then put a new roll on the top of the toilet in case my primary roll runs out at an inopportune time, and I must say that it was a little annoying, however it was only for a few days or maybe a week while I am waiting for it to fit in the holder.
Now, I am just thrilled to have toilet paper!! So basically the small amount that I cared before has not completely been withdrawn to a mute point. As a matter of fact, I think that after this, I am considering getting the Charmin forever roll (which I laughed and scoffed at at first) delivered to my house once a month to see if that saves me a few bucks. Either way, I am glad that you made me smile while I am social-distancing at home without much to do other than watch the world poker tour and surf amazon for toilet paper, paper towels, hand sanitizer, and clorox disinfecting wipes waiting for all this to end.
Stay healthy (which I guess has become the new take care).
Kevin
What’s wrong with all of you?? I buy Scott, 1000 sheets per roll. It’s always the cheapest if you consider the ‘unit price.” It’s got 1,000 sheets and is smaller than those other Mega ones.