Here at Happy Simple Living, we are not afraid to flush out the big, pressing issues that face our nation. Which is why we have bravely plunged into the issue of mega toilet paper rolls.
Most major t.p. manufacturers now sell Colossus Mega-Jumbo Magnum rolls containing 4 TIMES!! the sheets of a regular roll. (As we all know, today’s ‘regular roll’ contains approximately 14 squares.)
Is this claim true? Do we consumers really want these fatter rolls — even though they no longer fit in the holders?
My friends, you are an intelligent bunch. When you see those packages, do you feel happy because you’re getting an even greater value in your toilet paper purchases?
Or do you feel cranky because you’re paying more bucks for fewer squares?
Sometimes I wonder if toilet paper manufacturers think our brains are full of ultra soft cotton.
This is definitely a #FirstWorldProblem, but these Hercules-sized rolls do not fit in any of our holders. Furthermore, our neighborhood grocery store has stopped selling normal rolls, and now sells only Mega-Colossus-Jumbo-Big Ole’ Honkin’-Magnum rolls.
Guaranteed To Fit
I recently purchased several packages of Quilted Northern Ultra Soft & Strong, as the company’s wood and fiber sourcing practices are certified by the Sustainable Forestry Initiative.
Sustainability was part of my decision, but the other reason was this compelling promise printed on the package:
“Guaranteed to fit your roll holder or your money back.”
Bolstered with confidence, I bought the package and breathlessly ran upstairs to install a roll. The funny thing is that there is at least an inch of space on either side of the roll, but I had to use a shoehorn to get the roll in the holder.
Once in, it would not turn. For obvious reasons, this presents a problem. As you can see, the top of the roll is wedged in the holder:
In the interest of getting a handle on this issue, I decided to take advantage of the company’s money-back guarantee.
When I visited the site, however, I was disappointed to see not an offer for cash back, but an offer for a free “Roll Extender.”
The value of the free roll extender was “$2 – $3” according to the site.
(Side note: Is it me, or does this whole Mega Roll Extender thing sound just a little naughty?)
Clearly, if I wanted to actually use my new Quilted Northern toilet paper, I would have to get their gadget. The instructions required me to write “the reason you would like a roll extender” on a piece of paper.
This is an excellent question from the Quilted Northern Quality Control team. Because, what could possibly be the reason?why a person would need an extender?
Could it be that the #%$?@&! Colossus Jumbo Mega Grande Magnum toilet paper roll doesn’t fit in the holder??
<<deep breath, deep cleansing breath, inhale peace, exhale stress, serenity now!>>
Anyhow, I dutifully assembled my proof of purchase, receipt, and required explanatory letter, and sent it off.
Then the waiting began. Nine weeks passed, with no sign of my Roll Extender. Every time I ran to the mailbox and came up empty-handed, I felt like Ralphie from The Christmas Story waiting for his Ovaltine decoder ring to arrive.
After so many disappointing daily trips to the mailbox, I wondered if the Quilted Northern people had forgotten about me and my Roll Extender.
Looking for Answers
Sometimes big brands’ social media managers seem to reply more quickly to customer service requests, so I decided to reach out and touch someone via the Quilted Northern Facebook page.
Before I sent my message, I officially “Liked” the page. The header photo features an enviable prototype toilet paper holder (probably invented by Elon Musk) that perfectly fits the Quilted Northern mega roll. Jealous!!
The moment I clicked the “Like” button, Facebook helpfully alerted all of my friends and family members about my new passion.
Feeling heady, I sent off my inquiry. Sure enough, the social media manager responded quickly. (It pays to be the Facebook fan of a t.p. company.) The note read: “Hi Eliza, thanks for contacting us. Let us reach some of our internal teams and see what we can do. We will get back to you soon!”
Woah. Not only was I getting personal service, but the INTERNAL TEAMS of Quilted Northern were getting involved. Talk about having friends in lofty places!
A few days later, the package I had been awaiting for ten weeks finally arrived with a nice letter and my very own $2-$3 value Roll Extender.
I could hardly wait to try it!
I won’t keep you in suspense any longer. The Roll Extender worked.
We could now actually turn the Mega Toilet Paper roll, thus providing that all-important access to the tissue.
The only downside? The Roll Extender is white plastic, which doesn’t match the chrome holder, and it has the Quilted Northern logo printed in the “gap” area.
With a roll in place, you see the letters “TED” and “ERN.” Whenever I see his name, I like to imagine that Ted Ern is the kindly inventor of the Roll Extender.
So the extender works, but it’s unattractive. Do we choose aesthetics or utility, my friends? This is a conundrum that has plagued mankind through the ages, from the design of stone tools and wooden teeth to Quonset huts and men’s sandals.
Miracles Do Happen
UPDATE: You’ll never guess what happened. After I wrote this post, I was contacted by the Canadian company Teravan.
Teravan manufactures an extender that’s actually attractive! You can probably imagine the swirl of excitement I felt when they offered to let me try their products. (Move over, Khloe Kardashian! There’s a new “influencer” in town.)
Teravan’s white and chrome extenders have a decidedly designer feel:
The best part of all? After installing one of Teravan’s snazzy adjustable toilet paper roll adapters, the roll actually turns! One can actually access the paper!
This is clearly a revolution — or should I say a turning point? — in modern TP history.
How About You?
Do you love or loathe this new trend? Do you long for the good old days of Double Rolls? Or do the Mega Honkin’ Extra-Grande Texas Sized Big Ole’ Boy toilet tissue rolls fit just fine in your holders?
How long will it be before a rogue manufacturer offers a roll with 5 times the sheets of a regular roll?
Also: Do you think that perhaps I need to take up a new hobby?
I’d love to hear from you, and together we’ll get to the bottom of this important tissue issue.
Your devoted TP Access Advocate,
P.S. Thanks to Miles Goodhew for being a good sport and letting us use his photo, which was taken on the day his regular glasses were being repaired, as a stand-in for Ted Ern.
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Eliza Cross is the creator of Happy Simple Living, where she shares ideas to help busy people simplify cooking, gardening, holidays, home, and money. She is also the award-winning author of 17 cookbooks, including Small Bites and 101 Things To Do With Bacon.
Now they’re selling SUPER MEGA rolls that are even bigger than mega rolls. Do they fit into the extenders, I wonder?
New pastime: winding excess tp into a saved tube. Perhaps I’ll modify some old film rewinds for the purpose
I think I found a solution for our house. One bathroom has a dispenser that mega rolls fit on, the other bathroom doesn’t. I use the mega room until the roll gets down to a manageable size, then move it to the smaller dispenser and install a new mega on the super dispenser. The wife uses the smaller room. Now we just have to use at similar rates…
I could make a longer and valid rant. But I will just say I hate it and hate them for pushing it as only option, can’t find jumbo rolls. The extenders are shitty mod to try to address a problem THEY CREATED. They are a shitty, weaker mod to permanent built in holders. The extenders are likely to break given their geometry. They don’t hold the roll in the center of what is often a curved back to the holder, so it rubs on the bottom edge.
100% agree with you – GREAT blog. We’re looking for a new dispenser for our remodeled bathroom, and realize this has to be a consideration. People DO realize, don’t they, that this is all about cost savings for the manufacturer, and NOTHING to do with consumer convenience??? The extender detracts from the look of recessed tp holders. I’m hoping I can find one that is actually BUILT to accommodate the HUGE, INCONVENIENT MEGA rolls!
I hate the mega rolls bc they don’t don’t the holders in most homes. Bring back the large rolls and flush the mega.
I feel better that I’m not the only one with this problem. The smallest rolls I can find anywhere are MEGA and beyond. Double rolls are perfect (if not just a little snug at first) for my toilet paper holders and I figured I would get around the issue by buying them online. So, I ordered 48 double rolls (probably at least a year’s supply for a single guy). The supplier, in all their wisdom, decided to send me 32 JUMBO rolls!!! On a positive note, this actually amounted to about 800 more sheets of toilet paper than I ordered (at the same price), but… ARGH! So, I guess I will be forced to look out for one of these extenders as well (hopefully, they make extenders that are big enough for JUMBO!).
Thank you Eliza!
Every time I purchased toilet paper I got irritated. I wanted smaller rolls, but cushy paper to fit my 1940’s recessed toilet paper holder. Thanks to you, my daily life is better. How many people can say that?
I have cats, so the use of a regular toilet holder went out years ago. In it’s place I got a couple of pretty toilet paper boxes to put them in. When we went to double wide I was still ok and then some. When they came out with the Mega rolls they would not fit in the box. So about the 3-4 uses the roll is in a see thru bagee, and then I can go back to my safe, decorator boxes. I’ve tried a couple of times to find a box that will accommodate the mega rolls. When I get back from my grocery shopping trip today, I’ll try again. This is cruel and unusual punishment to not provide a fix for something as simple as a toilet paper holder. Now we sort of have a fix but look how long it took. To the toilet paper people, BAH HUMBUG. May you find a similar crummy problem of your own in your Christmas stocking and anywhere else it will go.
I actually found your site while googling “I hate mega and super mega toilet paper rolls” to find out if there was a support group for Mega Roll Haters like me. I did this shortly after going to Amazon to see if I could order Double Rolls in bulk since I had already been to a dozen stores and none of them had anything smaller than the Mega size. I think it is a plot by the manufacturers to get us to use more toilet paper, because I find myself using more and more just so I can get the roll smaller so it will fit on my holder. I am relieved to know there are others out there that feel the loathing for these enormous rolls of toilet paper that are the circumference of a roll of paper towel.
Eliza,
My sister and I laughed till we had tears in our eyes. Your letter was so hilarious, it was just what I needed. But I am also upset at the change to mega rolls. The extender does not fit my current holder. I wish they would bring back the regular size. I have a built in holder and a holder that is on the side of the vanity. I can not remove the one on the vanity without damage. I might have to purchase a stand type holder. Not happy.
Typical our stores locally have ceased carrying the small rolls.
Light bulbs, toilet paper, what’s next?! Thanks for the article. Good to know it’s not just me.
Hate it hate it hate it.
Now looking for new toilet paper holders, the ones we bought were expensive (nice wooden looking and copper looking). Let’s create an online petition. You are amazing.
Ugh, I just came back from going out to several stores in search of even a triple roll….no luck. Every single roll of toilet paper in each of the big box stores I went into was a MEGA-MEGA-MEGA roll. Seriously, how many people have these huge toilet roll holders in their homes? I HATE it.